Rants and what not

Sorting all the lights and darks,
Making sure our love won't lose that spark.
You really didn't have to.

Funny pictures that you take,
Dinner out instead of shake and bake.
You really didn't have to.

Movies and magazines,
Filling our heads with dreams.
Love is the little things.
Love changes everything.

Picking me up after work,
Putting up with all my silly quirks.
You really didn't have to.

Saying that my cooking is great,
While you try to hide a stomach ache.
You really didn't have to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hFT853OYfg

I don't miss them. I'm sure that's probably a bad thing. I miss being able to hang out with the people associated with them. That kinda sucks. I also feel its not right that we can't see them because they only hear one side of all this shit.

I look at the pictures and wish nothing had gone wrong. But, it can't be helped i suppose..:/

I miss jenny k. That's it. The others.. i feel I'm better off without them.

I'm happy. Aaron and I are back together. And its not an open relationship. Its real. He and I.

I can say i love you to him, and not feel bad about knowing he doesn't return the feelings. Because i know he does.

That fills me with such happiness. I love him, and he returns the feelings. Its an amazing feeling knowing you're loved.

School can kiss my ass tbh. Getting audited by the board of education sucks. My fafsa wouldn't be fully processed until after summer quarter. When i had finished it in like Feb. ugh.

I hate this drawing class too. Its charcoal shit i really dislike. It was forced down our throats at stivers. uhghasdj.

I think that's all i have to rant about really..

I miss my kitties so much. I wish they could live with me.

Speaking of living.

We're (people i currently live with) looking at apts and houses. The place we live in is sooooo small and soo trashy. lol.

Looking for a summer job too. Working at a daycare would be great. But i know a lot of places want you to already have a degree in ECE. :/

I've always been absolutely horrible with titles.

Anyways..

The new place isnt that bad to be honest. I'm hardly there..I spend the weekends over with aaron and sarah. I love being here.. I find myself still calling it home.

Does your home have to be the place you live though? Cant it be a place that makes you feel warm and safe?

I dunno.. I love being able to see everyone. I feel bad leaving val alone almost every night..

I feel bad not making much money. I really hate being broke.

Things are much better between aaron and i. If anything we're getting along better now that i don't live with him anymore. Guess i got on his nerves more than he led me to believe.

One of matts friends asked me out to a movie and dinner. I'm not sure how i feel about that. I have absolutely no interest in seeing anyone really. I'm happy with the way things are with me and aaron. We're not together, but i get the affection i want from him still. Which is amazing.. I love just being with him. I know we're not going to be together like i want anytime soon, but i don't think we really need to. As long as we're both comfortable with the way things are, i'm not in a rush. I don't love him any less, and not anymore either.

I don't know if i could not love him. Hes definitely one of my best friends who mean the world to me.

I guess if i just make it clear to this guy that i'd only want to be friends, things should be ok.. i hope.

School got so overwhelming this quarter. I dropped two classes.

I have myself scheduled for 7 credit hours next quarter (two classes and an aerobics class)

I have a feeling im getting in way over my head.. we'll see how it goes. I'll be at sinclair from 11 to 8 mon-thur. work then school.

Huum. I dunno. I love my job, but i wish i could find another daycare that could offer more hours.

A car would be helpful too..

<3

The closer friday comes, the more anxious i get about it.

A part of me is excited about it all.
But a majority of me is scared.

I'm scared of whats going to happen.

I'm scared of how life is going to be now.

I've lived with these people for months, and now i have to go from that to living with one person(no offense to val, shes a great person)

But i'm someone that needs to be around people a lot. I don't know if that's a bad or good thing, but its something i can't control. If i'm alone too long, i get sad and depressed.

I want to be happy about this move. I want to convince myself that things will be ok in the end..well, i know they will, but that doesn't help the now. I need the comfort now.

I need you to be my friends and remind me what im doing is right. Remind me that.. this is for the best. I keep telling myself that it is for the best..and i know it is..but im just so afraid of how things are going to change. How am i supposed to go from sleeping in a large bed, cuddle up to him..to sleeping with nobody..alone each night. I know i rely too much on him for my happiness, but for a while, i didn't have anything. And even now when i have school and work, and no right to cling as hard as i am, i'm finding it all still painful.

I don't know what i can do to fill that space that he once filled..

On top of the stress of moving, i let myself get my new sleep schedule all thrown off and now its hard to get up at 9am.

I've never been a morning person..
I'd like to get a job at another daycare. One that can offer more hours.

 

I dont want to believe our romance was a mistake

we had a bad, bad habit of saying "everythings fine" and bottling it up

I always thought about how i wanted to be with you, but we just didn't see eye to eye

i assumed i could always make you smile in that soft, gentle way of yours like when we met


I want to hold you

I love you

I want to hear your voice more and more

and while my hand still reaches yours i can't see what our future holds.

lol live journal